Embracing the End of My Old Self

I woke in the morning with your head on my chest,
Everything was happy, the beauty and the blest.
The rays on the panes flooded the room through thick dust.
I traced your face with my fingers in thoughtless trust,
And then down your perfect profile in selfish lust.
I stopped in horror at the base of your tight palms -
-Gripping a blade-
-Your choice was made-
-Now you’ve decided to silence the calms-

Your eyes, once closed in peaceful sleep, I see now were merely closed to keep me unsuspecting as I pulled you closer into a warm embrace.

I never saw the knife.
I never saw your eyes.
Now fearing for my life,
I turn from all your lies.

What have I left undone to let you so close?
Once upon a time, I would have cut the nape,
Of all that would have held me back,
But this time my defenses were down,
And you came back to me, yes, you came back to me.
Why couldn’t I see that you were aiming for my soul?
Just like every other time.

…But I trusted you, yes I trusted you…
…But I hated you, yes I hated you…
…But I loved you, yes I loved you…

“Never again, you lied.” I cried.
“But here you are once more,
Sleeping at my side.
I don’t think that I can heal from the wound this time.
I have had enough.
You will pay for your crimes.

I pushed you aside as you slashed for my heart.
I ran from the bedroom and down to the cellar.
In every mirror I saw your face.
In every reflection, your shame and disgrace.
I picked up a chair and destroyed my reflection.
I grasped a long shard of glass and came back after you.
You were out in the garden wilting the roses.
You turned to face me with a knife in your hand.
You tried to conceal it behind your back.
But I knew - This Time, I knew.

You came so close to me,
With innocence in your beautiful eyes.
You offered to try again,
And I said no words as I came even closer.
You placed your free hand on my shoulder,
And put your lips to mine
For a second, just a second, I thought,
“Maybe this time?”
But no. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
Never again. Never again.

The look on your face turned from pleasure to shock.
You staggered back from me and gave me a hurt look.
Your hair fell loose over your eyes, whose sparkle was slowly fading.

I caught you in my arms,
And gently brought your beautiful body,
Down to the bed of the garden.
You looked deep into my eyes,
As the life blood ebbed from your veins.
I thought to pull you close…
…For one last time…
…And bring your lips to mine…
But I merely said,
“Dearest, know this,
I loved you.
I tried.”